1.
It’s funny and infuriating to me that I am a writer - in some people’s opinions, a good one - and most of the time I honestly feel like I have nothing of value to say.
So I don't write longform posts of anything. I keep feeling like I should. Or I actually feel like I want to, and then I ... don't. I talk myself out of it so quickly and efficiently. I tell myself that I should write that my latest book has made it to final ballots of an award (Nebula, Aurora, Ignyte, Locus, Hugo) or that the book actually won (Nebula) or that I'm going to be somewhere people might want to attend (West Vancouver Memorial Library, August 3rd, or Surrey International Writer's Conference, Oct 20-22) or something awesome that I cooked, what I'm knitting, or that time I was on Ketamine and I was deep teal blue--the color, yes I was a color and it was an ego death experience--
And I don't.
Do you know how many "Untitled Document" files I have in google docs that were supposed to be posts that I was going to send to my TinyLetter or my Patreon or my Substack? So many. I open the file, I sit there with my fingers resting on home row and i can't even asdf jkl;
I hit this wall. I can't tell them that, they already know that my book got nominated/won. I can't tell them that, it smacks of self promotion. yeah those thoughts are there, that i can't tell people things they already know or sell them stuff or hold the whole room hostage while I talk about being on drugs. but that's...kind of like a cover story.
The truth is that I just don't have anything to say, or I don't know how to say it, but then days pass and the news is no longer news and now it's too late.
2.
Anyway, Even Though I Knew The End is on the Hugo ballot for best novella and hoo doggie that is complicated
I didn't really consider the possibility that I would wind up on any ballot at. I don't mean that in a guileless "I never dreamed that this would happen!" way, while I clutch a trophy and my mascara runs. I just didn't think that ETIKTE was an award book, even if i hoped it was, so I didn't waste any more time thinking about it. I did one eligibility post on my locked twitter. I might have copy pasted it to Mastodon; I don't remember. and then I didn't do anything else. but it got on ballots anyway, so what do I know?
3.
Here's what I do when I get on an award shortlist.
I write a brief acceptance speech in google docs, and then i just fill the requests of the award committee, and then I do my best to forget about it.
Not because I don't care about awards, but because I care too much. they're way too high stakes for me internally. The gifted kid who craves praise from a neglectful invalidating parent (take your pick), the kid who never stops whispering please just this once tell me i did a good job and you're proud of me, goes absolutely wild. It causes me genuine distress. And I can't attend award ceremonies because I get sick.
World Fantasy Award, 2019. I just about trip and fall flat on my face trying to get on the stage. My voice jumped into the crack where it lives when I'm about to cry, and then it stayed right there for the whole speech, and afterward I felt so terrible Gay Haldeman made me put my head between my legs, got me an orange juice, and chased everyone away while I recovered.
Canada Reads 2021. I cried three times a week for the two months from the announcement of the ballot until I was eliminated in the second round. Like great racking sobs of despair.
Nebulas 2021. We were in a virtual green room. I had to breathe into a paper bag. The announcement for best novel came up, and I turned off my camera and ran into the bathroom. They announced Piranesi and THANK GOODNESS because I don't know what would have happened if it was me since I was...busy.
Ignyte 2021. The Ignyte Awards announced novel first instead of last, and BLESS THEM FOREVER for that, because I could go away and feel ill immediately.
Hugo Awards 2022. I went to the rehearsal just to see if I needed the acceptor to accept, and I felt like I was going to faint just at the rehearsal. I was hot, dizzy, disoriented, I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was going to do a Nebulas right there, so I let the acceptor do it while i got fresh air on the secret patio.
This year, my editor was my acceptor for the Nebulas. I was busy doing something else so I didn't think myself into being sick again.
4.
So in light of all that, me saying that while I have accepted the nomination to the ballot to the Hugo Awards but I am not attending Worldcon in any way seems like it's not much of a protest, really. What am I giving up, exactly, by not attending an award ceremony I'd have to avoid for my own personal reasons anyway? So I didn't feel like I had anything to say.
But.
I rebuke Chengdu Worldcon for inviting Sergey Lukianenko, a choice that is so terrible I can't even make a bitter derisive joke about it. That's a fucking horrifying choice from all angles and this person should not be honored in this way. And I shouldn't have to be horrified by even one GOH who supports fucking genocide, but actually there's two, since Liu Cixin is also invited.
The treatment of Uighyr Muslims in China is an atrocity and I hate it. The attempt to invade Ukraine and re-colonize it with unspeakable violence is an atrocity and I hate that too. I don't have any clever words for this. it's fucking evil and gross and thinking about it makes me feel fury. There was no way I would attend or participate, and being on the ballot for the Hugo awards doesn't change my mind.
Again, I don't really feel like anyone is surprised that I object to Chengdu worldcon's guests and I have nothing to say to any of them.
5.
But I wish that the Hugo Award would/could separate itself from Worldcon.
I have had this opinion for ages. yes, the Hugo Award is not Worldcon; it is only presented there, but that's a distinction that doesn't register for a lot of people who believe or assume that they are the same thing. They're not...but.
The Hugo award is like the Aurora Award here in Canada. It has its own organization, just like the Aurora Award here in Canada. But the Aurora Award ceremony in Canada is hosted by different Canadian conventions each year. In 2019, I went to Ottawa for a lovely award ceremony as part of Can Con (please attend this convention; it's a good one.) The Aurora Award ceremony has been held in Calgary several times. It floats from place to place, year to year, and in that wandering, asserts that it belongs only to itself.
Perhaps the Hugo Award should do that too, to reinforce that it's not Worldcon - it's simply that a worldcon bid, by tradition, includes the hosting of the Hugo awards and so they are associated in this way.
But tradition is peer pressure from dead people, and this year more than any other really calls for looking at this particular tradition and questioning its actual usefulness. I know a lot of people believe that if the Hugos were separated from Worldcon, at least one of those organizations would die. But I haven't ever managed to find out why. I'm pretty sure it's money, though.
I know the last thing The Hugo Awards needs right this moment is another damn opinion about how to drastically upend everything and burn it to the ground. I'm super sorry.
But we can't have another award year like this, and I understand that my opinion means less because they trigger acute trauma fueled anxiety reactions in me. But I care about the Hugo Award. It's a great honor to be considered and it would be amazing to win. To be real with you, i've daydreamed about it every time i've had a story published, even from the first one in 2004.
But I'll be frank. I'm glad my World Fantasy Award is of a beautiful tree. It made accepting it a hell of a lot kinder. And since I'm not going to win this year, I'll say it:
Please don't make us wrestle with the ethical and moral considerations of being connected to a worldcon like this ever again.
I know that people with amazing, worthy contributions felt they had to withdraw their work for ballot consideration because of this Worldcon and these guests. We have people saying so. We're all pretty damn sure there are more, and I for one believe that of those people, there are a significant number of marginalized people who declined even though they deserved that recognition. They should not have had to be faced with the decision to do that. They have been harmed by this. Please don't let it happen again.
Okay. That's it for now. Thanks.
Chelsea
Success and people's expectations must surely get complicated. I would be hiding!